I had to ask Rachel when we started dealing with our own empty nest. Without any hesitation Rachel told me it was 9th September 2016. That weekend was when BOTH of our girls flew the nest. Perhaps it’s a man thing that I couldn’t remember exactly when it was?
Anyway, I do remember how it was over the same weekend that both of our girls (Becky and Hannah) both flew from the nest. We took Becky down to Exeter University, arriving on the Saturday. The car’s suspension was weighed down with all of her belongings, almost everything she owned. Being a teenage girl, she has far more clothes than I’ve had! Shoes, especially shoes, she has in abundance and we lost count at 12 pairs.
Becky was so excited on our arrival, keen to see where she’s be staying for the next few years. She started off with the Halls of Residents as most students do. We had quite a lot of help from second year students to unload the car and carry everything up to her room. We explored the Hall a little with it’s nice wood panel library and bright, modern common room, all good stuff.
We headed off around the campus for a walk and then it was time to go. We were all a little emotional, although we shared it in different ways. Becky was, although excited through being there, she was a little tearful as we drove away leaving her there alone in the empty car park.
For Hannah it was a different affair altogether. She took the residential option at a college in rural Bedfordshire and was set to come home each weekend. Her kit included a wetsuit and all kinds of outdoorsy things, all very different to Becky.
I remember as we drove home we were almost in silence; our nest had suddenly become very empty and we had some adjustments to make in our routines and outlook.
Here’s a few thoughts, might be useful for others dealing with an empty nest:
- It’s okay to be a little sad and miss them. I miss their laughter, chitchat, clutter, tripping over shoes in the hallway, clothes draped around everywhere in their bedrooms
- Be sure to be on good terms with each other before they head off. Give no room for regrets or being remorseful. Don’t leave resolving issues until they’re about to go; do it well before
- Be thankful your kids want to move forward in their lives, to take the step. The worst thing is when they don’t want to go, or prefer to stay at home jobless, watching daytime TV and getting fat
- Encourage them in their ambitions, big ideas and dreams of changing the world. The world is their oyster, so to speak
- Welcome them home when they come or you visit them. Let them make their own friends and become established in their new surroundings, developing their own independence. A little tough love, perhaps?
- Check they are budgeting their money alright. Our girls are both spend-thrifts (wonder where they got that from!). If like us, they’re living on a student loan and our parental contribution so we have a right to know how they’re doing!
- Have some phone calls. Ask about their new friends, societies they’re joining and how they’re managing the practicalities of living away from home
- Let them make a few mistakes, don’t be too neurotic about things
- Be amused, not distressed, if they are down to their last pair of knickers before buying some washing powder. They have to find their own way with these things
- Seek out other parents you know who are in a similar position. Empathise with each other. It’s okay to be tearful with each other, if this helps
- How you deal with your empty nest will be different for both parents. This was certainly the case for us. Allow time for each other to express things, to work through those feelings and emotions.
- Why? It is important because our relationship with each other needs to be strong as we go into a different phase in their lives and also our own. Does this make sense?