Just as Donald Trump and Theresa May have had their own very awkward meeting, I’ve had mine. Without being too political (I’ll save that for another time) I was outraged by Donald Trump talking on BBC Radio 4 as I drove to work yesterday. While I’m not really a fan of Theresa May or her current Government, I do have some real sympathy for her. Nevertheless it was good to hear the British diplomacy and politeness still at work, while defending the right of those who want to speak out and protest against Mr Trump. That diplomacy has worked well over decades and I’m sure it will continue, even if it is seriously tested at times.
Today is Saturday and this has been my penultimate week at work. It has been quite tricky at times and yet that door to freedom is ever-so-close now.
Within my monthly routine at work, and the rest of the team as well, is a monthly Performance Review Meeting. Nowadays this is chaired by our collective line manager in the interests of really getting a grip on things. From the meeting we get minutes which are really like a list of things to do before the next meeting; from that point of view it works well.
The meeting itself lasts all day, from a prompt 9:00am start and runs through the point where everything is completely done, generally at around 4:00pm. We have a 30 minute lunch break where everyone tends to stay in the same room, or not to go too far. We are armed with our laptops and an explanation of some of the tricky points. I know I feel anxious about these meetings as I have often been given an uncomfortable time by virtue of my position and through not always having a complete grip on everything.
What really troubled me
Earlier in the year I had advised someone incorrectly and this came back to bite me a couple of months ago. It wasn’t so much about incorrect advice but the way in which it could have been clearer in order to prevent any ambiguity or misinterpretation. I had already had my “ticking off” about that earlier this year and I had thought it was settled.
It not only re-emmerged in the meeting, but the whole question of blame and guilt resurfaced, at least through my perception. It wasn’t simply a case of acknowledging the mistake, drawing a line under it and simply dealing with any knock-on effect. Instead it was reopening the wound in a very uncomfortable way.
I consoled myself by reminding myself this was the last of these meetings, no more angst, stress, or general aggro. That helped me stay seated as I was so tempted to get up and walk out (which I have never, ever done in my whole career). I did consider saying something, expressing how it was making me feel and to pose the question if it could be dealt with in another way; I decided not to as I didn’t believe it would have made any difference, other than fanning the flames further.
Taking the blows
Instead I sat there, passively taking the blows. I was mindful of turning the other cheek, rising above the issue which in the grand scheme of things is so unimportant. All of this reminds me why I have taken the decision to leave work and retire early. My job has proved more difficult than I imagined and there are many reasons for this:
- Firstly my mental sharpness has faded a little. When I think of what I managed 10 years ago and compare it to now, I should be able to do better. This should be so simple.
- When I stepped sideways into the role in January 2016, I went from being a reasonable-sized fish (with 300-400 colleagues) into a larger pond with 2500 colleagues. I almost had to learn a new language and to get my head around the nuances and complexities of the new world. Learning these new things was very difficult.
- Sometime ago I consciously decided not to argue my point so much. It seemed a futile thing to do.
- I question whether the job is possible in the first place. I have been told of the experiences by my predecessor who is younger, very bright and yet she couldn’t handle the job. If anyone could have made it work, she could have.
- We are all given certain gifts, skills and abilities. I am certain mine do not completely align with the job itself and lie elsewhere instead.
That last point is the exciting thing!
That is so compelling for me. Recently I have found myself thinking about art and taking it up more seriously in my retirement. Now I’m not wanting to set myself up here too much but I am looking forward to giving it a go. In 1978 I was devastated to fail my art O’Level. Not just failing but being ungraded as this simply didn’t happen, unless you handed in a blank sheet of paper.
I worked my socks off, almost a case of teaching my eyes to see properly and then getting my brain and hands to interpret what I was seeing. By contrast in 1979 I took my art A’Level and bagged a grade A. I regret I’ve not picked up a brush or pencil since.
I’d like to draw people most of all, since I like people and our relationships with each other. There’s something so nice and appealing about going back to basics. A pad of paper and a pencil; surely there’s so much you can do with these simple things especially in these high tech digital times.
Early retirement is not just about becoming some kind of artist. There’s a whole load of other things which I talk about here.
I just can’t wait! Just one more week in the office, mostly winding down. So my last effective day is Friday 20 July. Then I go in on Thursday 26 July (supposedly to chair a meeting but I’m not sure that’s such a good idea) and then a little farewell do has been arranged – looking forward to that! I also need to hand my IT equipment back in and then I’ll be feeling more freedom. Yipee!